written by Rebecca Schuh
The Judge of Morality:
Romantic Era Poet and Theorist Spaniel, Keynote Speaker
Broseph, A Tailor
Milan, A Mobster
Andrad, A Painter
Brojamin, A Jokester
Scrooge, A City Hall Representative
Leonardo, A Daquiri Maker
The Prosecution, Jigga Nu
Casa de Shrew
Scariel Major Lazer
Shanatana Shanatata Shanatata
The Defendants, Spatial Lies
Goldie 14 Karat
Ba Ba Black Sheep
Lucky Red Hair
Court Reporter: The Pope
Bailiff: Ex-Con Morphin LaShack
Spaniel Keynote Speaker: [stands, faces the crowd. Suddenly, swivels around, pointing finger at the Spatial Lies] SHAME!
[All members of RYJury echo]: SHAME!
Spaniel: We are gathered in the respectable courtroom of the Deadspan Community today to discuss a most unrespectable act: the purported various acts of sodomy committed by the members of Spatial Lies, Greek Life members no longer at Large. I invite the honorable Le Director to commence her opening arguments.
Le Director: It has come to my attention that lives are being ruined, chances are being squalored, and abuse is being inflicted in our very midst in this campus. My clients, through no fault of their own, came upon a most inhumane trove of videography on the internets earlier this year. Upon entering the computer lab of the Arm and Frost Library on September 5th, 2012, and entering onto the internet in hopes of checking their electronic mailboxes, they were greeted with an unholy sight: an email account, still open, from a member of Spatial Lies, Ms. Goldie 14 Karat. The email, whose subject read “Hazing 10/24,” provided text and a link.
My clients, being the anti hazing students that they are, agreed that they must open the link. They are all committed to an Anti-Hazing environment at Deadspan and served on the anti-hazing-liason-committee for the past and current years.
Upon opening said link, they were shocked and dismayed to find an online pornography trove led by the members of Spatial Lies. The trove was entitled “Food” and had sub headings for the past semesters going back to date unknown. Luckily, the Deadspan internet was so atrocious that the videos themselves would not load, but it was apparent from the one half of a thumbnail that did load and the titles of the videos that they were of members of the organization committing sexual acts with various foods.
Milan, A Mobster: I feel as though we need no further discussion. The defendants clearly have committed atrocities and should be punished.
Broseph, a Tailor: Milan, we must follow due process.
Casa de Shrew: Due process? Due process?? Where was due process when the members of S.L. were committing these acts of abuse? Where was due process when for years the Deadspan community turned a blind eye to the SHAME?
Spaniel: [swivels, pointing finger at S.L. members] SHAME!
Lucky Red Hair: Hang on, hang on. Let’s not get carried away. What does “hazing” really mean anyway? Can one person really “haze” another? Why do we even make videos?
Monaco Roosevelt: Why don’t you ask that of your clients, Lucky Red Hair?
Casa de Shrew: [under her breath, directed at Lucky Red Hair] Traitor…
Scrooge, a City Hall Representative: I think it is time that we hear from the other side. You never really know the full story until we hear from everyone.
Spaniel: Lucky Red Hair, take the stand.
Lucky Red Hair: I don’t even see why we’re here in the first place. We’re all just people, we all just do what we do. There’s no shame—
Spaniel and RYJury: SHAME!
Lucky Red Hair: There’s no shame in sexual acts, there’s no shame in trying to fit in. It doesn’t really matter what you do to other people as long as you’re furthering your own self interest.
Andrad, A Painter: Objection! Discrimination!
Lucky Red Hair: On what grounds?
Andrad, a Painter: Discrimination on the grounds of the strong overtaking the weak. The powerful overtaking the powerless. If you can’t see discrimination here, then you don’t have eyes!
Broseph, a Tailor: Now, we shouldn’t accuse anyone of not having eyes. But Andrad does bring up a valid point. We must now go to Goldie 14 Karat, to hear the insiders defense.
[The room goes silent]
Goldie 14 Karat: My defense? Well, you saw the videos. It happened. But my defense is this: how can we ever build them up if we don’t break them down first?
[A scuffle occurs on the prosecutor’s side of the room. Poolius and Major Lazer both rise.]
Major Lazer: You break all of us down, you talk down to the rest of the school, and you can’t even be nice to your own kind? WHO ARE YOU?
Casa de Shrew: SHAME!
Misty Grater: I think the experience really bound us together as sisters. Can you ever really understand true sisterhood if you haven’t been hazed?
[Major Lazer faints.]
Monaco Roosevelt: SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE? Not only have you brainwashed the women you call your sisters, you have caused near death to the other members of the community. You ought to be a—
Spaniel, RYJury, Poolius, Le Director: SHAMED!
Casa de Shrew: Do you want to have a school when you graduate? Do you want to apply for jobs and cite a school that still exists? Because if this trial is unsuccessful, and Spatial Lies is able to continue to haze, eventually, a girl will be in her right mind long enough to see the wrong in this organization. She will not be brainwashed. And she will SUE! And our school, with the lack of endowment it has, will be decimated.
Lucky Red Hair: Oh now, now. Let’s calm down.
Leonardo, a Daquiri Maker: Calm? We’ve tried to be calm. But calm isn’t going to cut it anymore. How can I stand as a representative of our school in the tour-de-force department when I can’t even support the Greek system? How can I encourage students to come here when there is a living, breathing monster within our walls?
Spaniel: Not the basilisk.
Ceasar: As your homecoming King, I vote to abolish the Spatial Lies.
Shanatana Shanatata Shanatata: Seconded!
Spaniel: It has been brought to my attention that we have a motion. RYJury, please rise to vote.
Broseph, a Tailor: Guilty!
Milan, a Mobster: Guilty!
Andrad, a Painter: Guilty!
Brojamin, a Jokester: I’ve never seen anyone so guilty!
Scrooge, a City Hall Representative: Guilty!
Leonardo, a Daquiri Maker: GUILTY!
Spaniel: The Pope, do you have this on record?
The Pope: Guilty. Sorry.
All of Jigga Nu: DON’T BE SORRY!
Spaniel: Justice has been restored to the community. SHAME!